change
Lessons from a Hike (2)
12/11/19 Filed in: Change
Have you done some thinking about the first three comparisons I shared in my last counselling blog? (You can find them here.)
Now I move on to three more comparisons between my 4-day hike on the Waikaremoana Great Walk and life journey changes.
4. Progress Often Involves Some Misery. Not too encouraging, is it? But it is the truth. The second morning of my hike, I rolled out of my tent and promptly heard extremely sore leg muscles screaming at me! Well, maybe not audibly, but I sure knew those muscles were not happy. On top of that, it had rained all night, and on top of that, my single-wall tent gathered all my night-breathing condensation so it could rain inside the tent as well! Everything was damp. I was dehydrated from the day before and could barely eat anything. I was cold, wet, soggy, muddy, and miserable. I
had limited choices available to me. I could crawl back into my tent and wait for the pain and rain to go away. I could go back the way I had come and catch the next water taxi back to my car. Or, I could just suck it up and keep walking to the next destination. The last choice, frankly, looked the least pleasant, but it really was the only option. So I got stuck into it and slogged it out for another five hours…until I reached my destination for the night. And you know what? Three of those five hours were absolute misery! But again, here I sit two weeks later with great memories of having completed the walk…in spite of the misery.
No one really likes change. Change can be hard, unpleasant, and yes, even miserable. There are all kinds of brain chemistry things you have to work against. There are habits you have to change. There is pain that some behaviours have masked that now needs to be faced. You might need to leave your social group, adjust your schedule, and experiment with unfamiliar behaviours. Change might mean you have to learn something, or spend some money to facilitate the new ways.
“Wow! You’re a great motivator!” you might be saying at this point. Well, I think it would be unfair to tell you change is easy and you’ll enjoy the whole process. That would just be disingenuous! Instead, I believe if we know what to expect, we can prepare better. If you know change involves some misery, then when you experience it, it doesn’t catch you by surprise, and it won’t knock you off the change process.
5. Get rid of excess baggage. Wow, I wish I had really thought this through before I started the hike! I should have known something was wrong when the deck-hand gave me my backpack and let out a whistle at how heavy it was. I thought I had done pretty well – 16.3 kg (36 pounds for you Americans). But those 16 kgs got heavier the longer I walked! I knew the bag would get lighter over the first few days as I ate through the food I brought. But I brought way too much food. I had a tent that was as wet inside as it was out. I had one too many gas canisters. And…I’m embarrassed to share this… I had a camp chair that I had brought along as my “luxury item”. After two days of lugging all that weight around and looking ahead to the 500 metre climb on the third day, it was time to make some changes. I gave away the tent and chair to a man who said his kids would like it. I gave one of my gas bottles to a grateful couple who realised they hadn’t brought enough. And I dumped food down the toilet – so much food. When I reassessed my backpack with bare essential weight, I could have easily done the walk with 12 kgs max (26.5 pounds)!
Get rid of excess baggage in your life! What might that be? Start with your thoughts. Do you weigh yourself down with negativity about yourself, your ability to change, or even the reason for changing? Do you let your mind wander wherever it wants, or do you guard it, guide it, and strengthen it with positivity and reality?
You might have some social relationships that are holding you down: friends who don’t want to see you change because it might highlight their need to do the same, family who keep reminding you of all the previous times you tried to change but “failed”, co-workers who tease you about the changes rather than encourage them. There may be good reason to limit your exposure to people whose comments are excess baggage.
What about daily routines? Do you need to make some changes that set you up for progress? Things like: getting up earlier to go for a run, read, or to meditate; spending time assessing your change progress – celebrating the successes and learning from the setbacks; carving out time to relax and recharge; spending less time in front of a screen and more time enjoying a hobby; experimenting with new social groups until you find one that is supportive of the changes you are trying to make.
Hopefully, these have given you some ideas. But you will need to take an honest, close look at your life and eliminate the weight that is holding you back from the progress you want to make.
6. Accept help from others. The second day of my 4-day walk was by far the hardest! I was physically and mentally drained. I had not slept well that first night in the tent. I was dehydrated and therefore hadn’t been able to eat enough food. It was raining…constantly… and therefor the path was muddy, rocks were slippery, and roots were treacherous! The trail that day was a series of ups and downs that made no sense. About halfway through the day, just after I struggled to the top of another one of these senseless climbs only to begin an immediate descent, I stepped on a leaf-covered tree root and experienced one of those absolutely out-of-control falls. I landed hard! As I checked my personal limbs to see if they were all still intact, I noticed one of my hiking poles had a bit of a bend in it. I carefully tried to straighten it and then promptly broke it! This was devastating for me because I relied heavily on both hiking poles to get me up and down these crazy hills and mountains.
I carried on for another 20 minutes, trying to figure out how I was going to manage the next two days with only one hiking pole. I eventually came to a shelter where three young guys were just finishing up their lunch and getting ready to head back out. They asked me how I was doing. I had a choice: “Fine” or “I’m done!” And because I just didn’t have the energy to lie to them at the moment, I told them what had happened with the pole and that I was really concerned about the next couple of days because of my need for two poles. One of the guys pulled a hiking pole out of his backpack and offered it to me. Of course, my first reaction was, “No thanks, I’ll figure it out”. But after he assured me he did not need the pole, and after nearly insisting I take it, I finally accepted his kind offer, promising to catch up with him that night to return it to him. And then he kept lending it to me the next two days. His generosity was a large part of me being able to complete this walk. And…my acceptance of his generosity allowed that to happen.
Too often, when we are going through the difficult process
of change we refuse to accept help from anyone. I don’t know if it’s a pride thing (“I’m already having to admit something is wrong – that’s why I’m working to change. I don’t want to have to admit that there’s a weakness too!”), or if it’s truly selfless (“I don’t want to put anyone else out by dragging them through my own stuff”). Whatever the reason, it is vital that we accept help from others! Others have resources we don’t have. Others can see things we can’t see. Others have energy we’re lacking. Others have life experiences from which we can learn. We are not designed to walk alone! On a good day, we’re not designed to walk alone. But when we’re going through the difficult process of change, there’s no way we can do that alone and find the success we are longing for.
So, when someone offers you help, accept it. “What if they’re not genuine in the offer”? That’s on them, and they’ll learn to be honest next time! But in my experiences, the vast majority of the time people offer their assistance, it’s because they really do want to help. So help them by letting them help you! Get that assistance to take another step on your change journey.
Now I move on to three more comparisons between my 4-day hike on the Waikaremoana Great Walk and life journey changes.
4. Progress Often Involves Some Misery. Not too encouraging, is it? But it is the truth. The second morning of my hike, I rolled out of my tent and promptly heard extremely sore leg muscles screaming at me! Well, maybe not audibly, but I sure knew those muscles were not happy. On top of that, it had rained all night, and on top of that, my single-wall tent gathered all my night-breathing condensation so it could rain inside the tent as well! Everything was damp. I was dehydrated from the day before and could barely eat anything. I was cold, wet, soggy, muddy, and miserable. I
No one really likes change. Change can be hard, unpleasant, and yes, even miserable. There are all kinds of brain chemistry things you have to work against. There are habits you have to change. There is pain that some behaviours have masked that now needs to be faced. You might need to leave your social group, adjust your schedule, and experiment with unfamiliar behaviours. Change might mean you have to learn something, or spend some money to facilitate the new ways.
“Wow! You’re a great motivator!” you might be saying at this point. Well, I think it would be unfair to tell you change is easy and you’ll enjoy the whole process. That would just be disingenuous! Instead, I believe if we know what to expect, we can prepare better. If you know change involves some misery, then when you experience it, it doesn’t catch you by surprise, and it won’t knock you off the change process.
5. Get rid of excess baggage. Wow, I wish I had really thought this through before I started the hike! I should have known something was wrong when the deck-hand gave me my backpack and let out a whistle at how heavy it was. I thought I had done pretty well – 16.3 kg (36 pounds for you Americans). But those 16 kgs got heavier the longer I walked! I knew the bag would get lighter over the first few days as I ate through the food I brought. But I brought way too much food. I had a tent that was as wet inside as it was out. I had one too many gas canisters. And…I’m embarrassed to share this… I had a camp chair that I had brought along as my “luxury item”. After two days of lugging all that weight around and looking ahead to the 500 metre climb on the third day, it was time to make some changes. I gave away the tent and chair to a man who said his kids would like it. I gave one of my gas bottles to a grateful couple who realised they hadn’t brought enough. And I dumped food down the toilet – so much food. When I reassessed my backpack with bare essential weight, I could have easily done the walk with 12 kgs max (26.5 pounds)!
Get rid of excess baggage in your life! What might that be? Start with your thoughts. Do you weigh yourself down with negativity about yourself, your ability to change, or even the reason for changing? Do you let your mind wander wherever it wants, or do you guard it, guide it, and strengthen it with positivity and reality?
You might have some social relationships that are holding you down: friends who don’t want to see you change because it might highlight their need to do the same, family who keep reminding you of all the previous times you tried to change but “failed”, co-workers who tease you about the changes rather than encourage them. There may be good reason to limit your exposure to people whose comments are excess baggage.
What about daily routines? Do you need to make some changes that set you up for progress? Things like: getting up earlier to go for a run, read, or to meditate; spending time assessing your change progress – celebrating the successes and learning from the setbacks; carving out time to relax and recharge; spending less time in front of a screen and more time enjoying a hobby; experimenting with new social groups until you find one that is supportive of the changes you are trying to make.
Hopefully, these have given you some ideas. But you will need to take an honest, close look at your life and eliminate the weight that is holding you back from the progress you want to make.
6. Accept help from others. The second day of my 4-day walk was by far the hardest! I was physically and mentally drained. I had not slept well that first night in the tent. I was dehydrated and therefore hadn’t been able to eat enough food. It was raining…constantly… and therefor the path was muddy, rocks were slippery, and roots were treacherous! The trail that day was a series of ups and downs that made no sense. About halfway through the day, just after I struggled to the top of another one of these senseless climbs only to begin an immediate descent, I stepped on a leaf-covered tree root and experienced one of those absolutely out-of-control falls. I landed hard! As I checked my personal limbs to see if they were all still intact, I noticed one of my hiking poles had a bit of a bend in it. I carefully tried to straighten it and then promptly broke it! This was devastating for me because I relied heavily on both hiking poles to get me up and down these crazy hills and mountains.
I carried on for another 20 minutes, trying to figure out how I was going to manage the next two days with only one hiking pole. I eventually came to a shelter where three young guys were just finishing up their lunch and getting ready to head back out. They asked me how I was doing. I had a choice: “Fine” or “I’m done!” And because I just didn’t have the energy to lie to them at the moment, I told them what had happened with the pole and that I was really concerned about the next couple of days because of my need for two poles. One of the guys pulled a hiking pole out of his backpack and offered it to me. Of course, my first reaction was, “No thanks, I’ll figure it out”. But after he assured me he did not need the pole, and after nearly insisting I take it, I finally accepted his kind offer, promising to catch up with him that night to return it to him. And then he kept lending it to me the next two days. His generosity was a large part of me being able to complete this walk. And…my acceptance of his generosity allowed that to happen.
Too often, when we are going through the difficult process
So, when someone offers you help, accept it. “What if they’re not genuine in the offer”? That’s on them, and they’ll learn to be honest next time! But in my experiences, the vast majority of the time people offer their assistance, it’s because they really do want to help. So help them by letting them help you! Get that assistance to take another step on your change journey.
Lessons from a Hike (1)
21/10/19 Filed in: Change
L
asts week I completed my first Great Walk in New Zealand, the Lake Waikaremoana Great Walk. It was a 4-day slog/jaunt/hike/trial/trek/exploration experience. The first day was cool and cloudy. The next two days were cold and rainy. The final day was a stunner…warm and dry! I would say it was the 2nd hardest physical thing I have ever done…ever. When I finished it, I was "one-and-done"! But now, three days later, I'm already planning my next one.
I have often thought of our walk through life as a hike like this. I have, like many other counsellors, often referred to our life experiences as a journey. As such, I see many comparisons between what I did last week and the journey we are on to make changes in our life for the better. Over my next several blogs, I'd like to share with you some of my observations.
1. Plan all you want but there has to be a point where you just choose to start. I have been known as an organiser all my life. Note: organiser doesn't necessarily mean neat. (That's for my wife and mum). I have even said I have the ability to organise the fun out of anything! I planned for this trip for several months. I researched equipment, food, and maps. I purchased some things specifically for this trip that I knew would be vital (more on that later). I watched
weather reports, and found the best time of year to go for what I wanted (solitude without freezing weather). The week before I was to go I found the weather was going to be terrible. I hadn't dropped all the weight I wanted. I was questioning some of my food and equipment choices. I was even encouraged by well-meaning friends and family to skip the trip and go another time. But I had to go. I knew there would always be ways to be just a bit better prepared. But I also knew a desire to be just a bit better-prepared would keep me from ever getting on the trail if I let it.
Perhaps you have been thinking about a change for a while: stopping some bad habits and starting some good ones, working on your relationship, focusing on becoming a better version of yourself, seeing a counsellor, etc. You have thought about why you want to change. You've identified some strategies for change. You've even acknowledged some of the obstacles you will have to face. And you may have lists - growing lists - that you find helpful in embarking on this journey. That's all well and good. But there has to be a time where you say, "OK, enough planning. Let's get going!" You will find your planning was helpful in some aspects, but you will also find there was no way you could plan for everything. No worries! Once you start on the path, you will find you are much more resourceful than you might have originally thought. And you can keep going!
2. Hike your own hike. Don't compare yourself to how others are hiking. When I got off the water taxi to start the hike, five other guys got off at the same time. Four were in their 20s and one guy was about my age. They all immediately took off, with me following closely behind. However, when we arrived at the first small uphill, it became very obvious that my low level of fitness and high level of backpack weight was going to drastically slow me down! And in no time the distance between me and the last hiker ahead increased exponentially. I had a choice at that moment: try to keep up with their pace or slow down to one that worked for me. I had to realise that for me to try to keep up with them, even the guy my age (who I found out later had been doing this for years), would have been a disaster for me. And you know what…we all arrived at our destination that day, yes, at different times - but we still got there.
One of the easiest ways for you to get off track in making life changes is to compare yourself to others. Sometimes we get off track by comparing ourselves to those we think are not doing as well as we are. We say, "Well, I'm better off than she is, so maybe I need to relax my self-expectations." And then we even use that comparison to justify stopping the growth process when it gets difficult. But most often, we compare ourselves to those we feel are doing much better than us. "I'll never get my life together as well as he has his life together. Why even bother trying?" Your life is your life. No one can live it for you. No one knows all that you have been through. No one has your set of experiences, skills, learnings, and giftings. Hike your own hike. You will reach your destination. It will be faster than some and slower than others. But you will get there, and that's what the hike is about. Not being first or avoiding last. But completing the journey.
3. Expect the unexpected. That's kind of an old worn-out phrase, but it's worn-out because it is so true. All along that first day, I was surprised by various things: a very muddy path, an unexpected short climb, a slip and fall, a bird flying directly across my path as close as he could get, etc.
When I arrived at my tent sight the first night, the set-up spots weren't like I expected. There wasn't as much cover as I had hoped for. It was colder sooner. The list goes on. All this reminded me that I could have planned for years and still have come against unexpected events. But I was able to adjust and adapt. And here I sit — warm and dry three days later. The unexpected didn't stop me.
In your life's journey, you have learned to expect the unexpected. That's not always a pleasant life lesson, but it is true. I have met so many people who are desperately trying to control every aspect of their life. And they're highly frustrated by the inability to do so! I often tell people, "We can barely control ourselves, let alone anyone or anything else." Once we come to grips with that truth, we are then free to employ our strengths and experiences in adjusting and adapting to unexpected changes. Matter-of-fact, if things are not changing, there is something seriously wrong in your life! So don't only expect the unexpected, but embrace the unexpected. It's there where real growth can happen.
Next week, we'll look at a few more comparisons between hiking and walking along life's journey. This week, have a think about the three above. Maybe do some writing about how that will impact you in a positive way this week.
I have often thought of our walk through life as a hike like this. I have, like many other counsellors, often referred to our life experiences as a journey. As such, I see many comparisons between what I did last week and the journey we are on to make changes in our life for the better. Over my next several blogs, I'd like to share with you some of my observations.
1. Plan all you want but there has to be a point where you just choose to start. I have been known as an organiser all my life. Note: organiser doesn't necessarily mean neat. (That's for my wife and mum). I have even said I have the ability to organise the fun out of anything! I planned for this trip for several months. I researched equipment, food, and maps. I purchased some things specifically for this trip that I knew would be vital (more on that later). I watched
Perhaps you have been thinking about a change for a while: stopping some bad habits and starting some good ones, working on your relationship, focusing on becoming a better version of yourself, seeing a counsellor, etc. You have thought about why you want to change. You've identified some strategies for change. You've even acknowledged some of the obstacles you will have to face. And you may have lists - growing lists - that you find helpful in embarking on this journey. That's all well and good. But there has to be a time where you say, "OK, enough planning. Let's get going!" You will find your planning was helpful in some aspects, but you will also find there was no way you could plan for everything. No worries! Once you start on the path, you will find you are much more resourceful than you might have originally thought. And you can keep going!
2. Hike your own hike. Don't compare yourself to how others are hiking. When I got off the water taxi to start the hike, five other guys got off at the same time. Four were in their 20s and one guy was about my age. They all immediately took off, with me following closely behind. However, when we arrived at the first small uphill, it became very obvious that my low level of fitness and high level of backpack weight was going to drastically slow me down! And in no time the distance between me and the last hiker ahead increased exponentially. I had a choice at that moment: try to keep up with their pace or slow down to one that worked for me. I had to realise that for me to try to keep up with them, even the guy my age (who I found out later had been doing this for years), would have been a disaster for me. And you know what…we all arrived at our destination that day, yes, at different times - but we still got there.
One of the easiest ways for you to get off track in making life changes is to compare yourself to others. Sometimes we get off track by comparing ourselves to those we think are not doing as well as we are. We say, "Well, I'm better off than she is, so maybe I need to relax my self-expectations." And then we even use that comparison to justify stopping the growth process when it gets difficult. But most often, we compare ourselves to those we feel are doing much better than us. "I'll never get my life together as well as he has his life together. Why even bother trying?" Your life is your life. No one can live it for you. No one knows all that you have been through. No one has your set of experiences, skills, learnings, and giftings. Hike your own hike. You will reach your destination. It will be faster than some and slower than others. But you will get there, and that's what the hike is about. Not being first or avoiding last. But completing the journey.
3. Expect the unexpected. That's kind of an old worn-out phrase, but it's worn-out because it is so true. All along that first day, I was surprised by various things: a very muddy path, an unexpected short climb, a slip and fall, a bird flying directly across my path as close as he could get, etc.
In your life's journey, you have learned to expect the unexpected. That's not always a pleasant life lesson, but it is true. I have met so many people who are desperately trying to control every aspect of their life. And they're highly frustrated by the inability to do so! I often tell people, "We can barely control ourselves, let alone anyone or anything else." Once we come to grips with that truth, we are then free to employ our strengths and experiences in adjusting and adapting to unexpected changes. Matter-of-fact, if things are not changing, there is something seriously wrong in your life! So don't only expect the unexpected, but embrace the unexpected. It's there where real growth can happen.
Next week, we'll look at a few more comparisons between hiking and walking along life's journey. This week, have a think about the three above. Maybe do some writing about how that will impact you in a positive way this week.
Don't Look, Don't Look, Don't Look. Ah, Nuts! I Looked
10/01/19 Filed in: Change
As far as Memes go, I don’t necessarily disagree with any of these twelve points on how to be mentally strong. But I do highly disagree with the idea that this is an 
inspirational meme.
I’m going to ask you two questions; notice your immediate response to your answers. Ready?
1. What is the first word in each of the twelve points?
2. What is your emotional reaction to that word?
Now hold onto those answers for a minute.
I have taught for years that using “don’t” as a method of motivation just doesn’t work. (Yes, I see what I did there.) I often illustrate its ineffectiveness by saying to a person, “Don’t look at that picture on the wall to your right. Don’t look at it. Please don’t look at it.”
Now, what does that make you want to do? Yep, LOOK AT IT!
However, if I don’t want you to look at the picture on your right, I can say, “Look at the tree out the window to your left. Look at it! Isn’t it beautiful?”
Now, what does that make you want to do? Yep, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! And in the process, what are you not looking at? The picture to your right.
You see what I’m saying? Too often, when we are trying to make changes in our life, we focus most of our attention on what NOT to do. But as we are focusing on what NOT to do, we end up doing it! Why? Because that’s what we’re focusing on! However, when we find activities, thoughts, attitudes, etc. that are positive expressions of what we’d like to do instead, and put our focus on those things, then we don’t have time to think about the don’ts. (Yeah, I know, I did it again.)
Go back and have a look at these twelve points of how to be mentally strong. What happens when you put them in a look-here style of wording?
Enjoy alone time.
Learn from the past; live in the present; prepare for the future.
Invest energy in what you can control.
Rejoice with other people in their successes.
Do you see what happens? This now gives me proactive suggestions rather than reactive ones. And proactivity is far more powerful that reactivity.
So, don’t focus on don’ts. (Just kidding). Focus on do’s. What are you trying to change in your life? If you have a list of don’t looks, spend some time now changing them into look here’s.
I’m going to ask you two questions; notice your immediate response to your answers. Ready?
1. What is the first word in each of the twelve points?
2. What is your emotional reaction to that word?
Now hold onto those answers for a minute.
I have taught for years that using “don’t” as a method of motivation just doesn’t work. (Yes, I see what I did there.) I often illustrate its ineffectiveness by saying to a person, “Don’t look at that picture on the wall to your right. Don’t look at it. Please don’t look at it.”
Now, what does that make you want to do? Yep, LOOK AT IT!
However, if I don’t want you to look at the picture on your right, I can say, “Look at the tree out the window to your left. Look at it! Isn’t it beautiful?”
Now, what does that make you want to do? Yep, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! And in the process, what are you not looking at? The picture to your right.
You see what I’m saying? Too often, when we are trying to make changes in our life, we focus most of our attention on what NOT to do. But as we are focusing on what NOT to do, we end up doing it! Why? Because that’s what we’re focusing on! However, when we find activities, thoughts, attitudes, etc. that are positive expressions of what we’d like to do instead, and put our focus on those things, then we don’t have time to think about the don’ts. (Yeah, I know, I did it again.)
Go back and have a look at these twelve points of how to be mentally strong. What happens when you put them in a look-here style of wording?
Enjoy alone time.
Learn from the past; live in the present; prepare for the future.
Invest energy in what you can control.
Rejoice with other people in their successes.
Do you see what happens? This now gives me proactive suggestions rather than reactive ones. And proactivity is far more powerful that reactivity.
So, don’t focus on don’ts. (Just kidding). Focus on do’s. What are you trying to change in your life? If you have a list of don’t looks, spend some time now changing them into look here’s.